I fancy myself as someone who is pretty handy in the kitchen, a man able to smoke a brisket, assemble a tart, craft a Cassoulet or conjure up some ice cream. But one day, one sad summer day, I entered the kitchen overly confident that making ketchup was a breeze. How hard can it be to reduce a spicy sauce rendered from about ten pounds of my finest homegrown tomatoes? Such a question was soon to be answered. After what seemed like 57 ingredients and the same number of steps, a molten sea of soupy bubbling sauce began its journey in a heavy stock pot, evaporating ever closer to its final glory: thick, rich, barely pourable, but totally delectable ketchup.
While the watched pot had no trouble boiling, I had trouble remaining focused on stirring its simmering contents. (Oh look, something shiny.) My distraction was fed further when a neighbor stopped by. Unfortunately we both share the gift of gab and what seemed like a few minutes of chitchat morphed into a lengthy catch-up of current island events. As I waved goodbye and stepped back onto my kitchen stoop, a smell that can only be described as scorched sugary tomato sauce melding to the bottom of stainless steel stockpot hit me like a wall.
My dash to the stove was halted as I came upon an eruption of red sauce spewing to the height of the ceiling—each burst leaving a trail of dripping red stalactites. One false move and the authorities would find this beefy meatball fused to the floor, done in by a Mount Vesuvius of splattering Marinara.
Wielding a broomstick to push the pot off the burner, I averted a disaster or rather eclipsed the next phase of this disaster. The cleanup seemed endless, as any and all surfaces in the kitchen took direct hits. Boz and Gracie were all too eager to help, licking up anything found at shin height or on the floor.
What did I learn from this culinary catastrophe? 1.) Be careful with your condiments; and 2.) Some dogs are allergic to tomatoes.
Update: check out How to Make Ketchup
32 responses so far ↓
1 jill // Nov 1, 2009 at 8:52 pm
oh dear god!
2 M.A. // Nov 1, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Cool photos. Pulp Fiction’s got nothing on you for scary gore, Tom.
3 noble pig // Nov 1, 2009 at 11:48 pm
Okay i laughed out loud! Omg what a disater but a perfect scary Halloween bloody mess that happened in the summer, sigh.
4 Elizabeth // Nov 2, 2009 at 2:39 am
This confession is like the one I had when I told the facebook world that when, at age 9 and confronted with the question of whether I wanted the dime for Unicef or the piece of candy, I took the candy.
5 davis // Nov 2, 2009 at 5:31 am
fantastic!
6 eileen // Nov 2, 2009 at 3:32 pm
HA! I wish I had photographed MY kitchen after my pressure cooker blew up – split pea soup dripping from the ceiling…
7 June // Nov 2, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Ya know, you’ll be finding the evidence for years. Oh the memories.
8 Renae // Nov 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm
I’m speechless. I’m sure you were not.
9 Renae // Nov 2, 2009 at 5:56 pm
OK– regained speech. Did you salvage any?
10 Tom // Nov 2, 2009 at 6:10 pm
Oh Renae, what little remained had an acrid burnt flavor throughout, and the other half looked like slumped black glass on the bottom of the pan. It required a chisel to remove (seriously). That was my favorite stockpot; and I’m glad to report it’s back in service.
11 derenda // Nov 2, 2009 at 8:44 pm
Good Times! I would hate to have to be the person that had to clean up that lovely mess.
12 June@Four Green Acres // Nov 3, 2009 at 7:11 pm
Oh. Oh. OH. What a terrible waste!
It reminds me of the time that Birch dropped a market bag with apple cider and catsup on the covered front porch. It exploded everywhere. We had to basically repaint and we STILL find little dabs here and there.
By allergic…what do you mean exactly?
13 tom | tall clover farm // Nov 3, 2009 at 9:21 pm
Oh June, Mr. Boz after mopping the floor with his tongue got hives and swollen eyes and major itches. A friend suggested a half pill of Benadryl and that worked to ease the swelling and scratching. As for the hives, he was a polka dot dog for the remainder of the day. Spaghetti and lasagna are off the menu for the Boz!
14 Linda // Nov 3, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Oh My God!! That was my first reaction! Glad you are okay!!! No more tomatoes Boz.
Linda
15 Tina // Nov 3, 2009 at 11:52 pm
I love the pictures and really enjoyed seeing you on Halloween. You snuck out of there without letting me give you a big hug. Loved the cake and hope you will post the recipe. By the way , nice Ketchup mess
16 Chiot's Run // Nov 4, 2009 at 2:16 pm
WOW – that’s quite a mess. And tomatoe sare one of the worst things to try to clean up – ugh. I feel for you.
Thankfully I averted this crisis when I made my own ketchup. I started with roasted tomatoes though, so not much cook down time was needed. Perhaps you can try that next time, much less pot-watching time.
http://chiotsrun.com/2009/10/20/homemade-ketchup/
17 julie-oh-gee // Nov 4, 2009 at 6:00 pm
tom, dear. i did the same thing recently with a beautiful batch of homemade tomato soup. my kitchen was thoroughly speckled, and the pot bottom was so badly burned that it took a good hour and a half of scouring to get off the tomato “glass”. i was using my cocotte and thought i was going to scrape off the porceline coating (but did not) – a friend gently suggested that the burnt flavor might take it to another culinary level – make it better than ever before. it did not. everyone got a bowl of it before it burned…but i did not *boo!*
18 Sarah Schatz - menu planners for limited diets // Nov 4, 2009 at 6:02 pm
HI Tom,
I love your writing! And I love the fact that you wrote about your ketchup disaster. I will definitely be checking out your other posts!
Sarah
19 Tom // Nov 4, 2009 at 6:27 pm
julie-oh-gee I feel you pain, but had to smile. You are a generous cook to share such limited fare, but will be rewarded no doubt with your dining friends’ future dinner invitations.
20 Tom // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Thanks Sarah — glad to meet you and thanks for the kind words!
21 June@Four Green Acres // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:32 pm
Stopping back to send my condolences to Boz. Glad the Benadryl helped…
22 Tom // Nov 4, 2009 at 7:54 pm
June I’ll pass those well wishes along to Boz.
23 Sarah Oldham Alexander // Nov 8, 2009 at 8:05 am
Seth says you should have filed an insurance claim.
24 tom | tall clover farm // Nov 8, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Seth is a smart man (just look at who he fell in love with) and I shall seek his counsel should my next souffle find itself glued to the ceiling.
25 Eileen @ Passions to Pastry // Nov 13, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Oh my gosh! Did you cry? I would have cried.
26 tom | tall clover farm // Nov 16, 2009 at 9:51 pm
Eileen, I didn’t cry, but there was some foot stomping and pouting before bucket, mop, rags and cleaner were enlisted.
27 Kitchen Butterfly // Nov 21, 2009 at 9:15 pm
OMWWWW, I hate cleaning up…especially when it looks like that
28 Kim // Mar 6, 2010 at 9:50 pm
bwa-hahahahaha! omg! that is so hilarious! you truly had me laughing out loud! (all except the part about your dog getting sick). thanks for brightening my day!
29 tom | tall clover farm // Mar 7, 2010 at 12:51 am
Anytime Kim
Experience tells me I’ll have many more kitchen and cooking mishaps to share in coming posts. (What’s that I smell burnnnnnnnnnn…………..)
30 Heather // May 4, 2010 at 5:52 am
Oh my god! I laughed (very sympathetically) when I saw this. I’m glad your pooch is ok. Additionally, I’m enjoying your blog SO MUCH! Thank you for sharing your Island adventures
Heather
31 How to Make Ketchup: Blue Ribbon Redemption // Aug 9, 2010 at 7:59 pm
[...] My culinary redemption is complete. As some of you may recall, my last attempt to make ketchup did not end so well; my kitchen looked like Freddy Krueger had stopped by for lunch. (Witness the tomato carnage in How Not to Make Ketchup.) [...]
32 Kitchen Wisdom and Pantry Proverbs // Sep 20, 2010 at 6:16 pm
[...] corkscrew!) and distraction leads me down the wrong path. (You’ll recall my first attempt at making ketchup.) So I leave you with a couple pantry proverbs. Learn from my mistakes; roast, bake, broil and [...]
Leave a Comment